changes (part 1)

i've been feeling weird these days, so i'm gonna desempolvar these words again. yeah i know it's been a long since i last used these kind of language, but idk, i just feel like thinking like this once again. so i should be feeling a million things, but right now, at this moment, i'm just confused. i dont know what i feel. for years, i've felt like i'm playing the game, trying to be something or someone that was successful, intelligent and completely in control. i spent years trying to make people feel comfortable, giving people passes for horrid behavior at christmas parties, and just being grateful for whatever circumstance, luck and pluck managed to toss my way. i tried to not care because i was getting ahead.. now, i'm just done. i'm done trying to make people comfortable when they clearly do not deserve to feel that way. i'm done pretending that i care about "something" just to feel like i belong.. to feel like he's gonna be mine and i'm gonna be his.. to feel like i'm one of them. i'm done trying to fit in. i'm done because i realized that i'm more. a thought gave me the insight to realize that this world didn't deign to have me. the truth was the exact opposite. I (including my talents and passion and everything else) deserve a better home. life is too short to be tied up by a selfish person or a grup of selfish persons. so i'm sorry if this hurts someone's heart or interests. i just don't want to be "that" girl.. but the difficult thing when you stop trying to be someone else is that your'e left with the ultimate question: who the hell am i? and that's exactly what i'm trying to figure out.. WHO THE HELL AM I??? i just know that i'm not me when i act the way they want me to, i'm not me when i say what he wants me to.. so i'm trying to make things work, in spite of feeling isolated, lonely, and terrified. i worked long hours, days, years. but in the process of fitting into this unforgiving mold, i became increasingly unhappy, stressed, and scarily enough, unhealthy. i took on whatever persona demanded of me. i avoided risks, pushing my vague desires further and further away. my opinions, beliefs and dreams were becoming distant memories. i simply replaced them with the thing i was supossed to be. and suddenly i realize i'm getting older. yeah i'm about to turn 18. and then i think i'm starting to be a new me. i realize i'm about to be the person someone was waiting for, the person who is able to say "yes i want this" or "no, that's not for me", the person who can enjoy all those "things" that were locked before. and when i finally turn 18 i will be no longer "becoming". i will just be 18. so start crying, people. because i won't say yess to all the stuff you offer, to all the shit you want me to eat. i won't be there for you. you were wrong when you thought about me being the girl you were waiting for. i will not be the girl who hangs out and gets drunk with "you/ya'll". i will not be the girl who says yes to everything you want her to do and everything they want her to be. oh yes it will be be o-v-e-r - s-o-o-n. you listen? O-V-E-R.. S-O-O-N. and i'll say to myself "i'm not biding time. i'm living my life. i was living a life that wasn't my own to understand that i was robbing myself of the most valuable thing ever: me." and yes i have already been embracing what i am instead of focusing on what i'm not. the realization that i'm entitled to my own dreams is still a slow, difficult process that don't just occur overnight. it's more of an evolution and less revolution. it's being brave enough to demand that the world respect whatever little stake in the planet i decide to make. i still have no idea where i'm heading, and i don't know if i will ever get to where i'm going now. and if i do, i'm not sure if i will know when i'm there. however, i know i'm looking for a place to be, and for someone to be with.. and here it comes again, the question, now followed by some other mates: who am i? where am i going to? where do i belong to? who is the person i'm looking and waiting for? you? where are you? will i recognize you when i see you? gah.. so many questions at the same time.. and i'm tired and sleepy, so goodbye ya'll.